I’m not sure how to say what I’m about to say, I’m usually too lazy to edit what I’ve written, but I so want to say something, and say it right.
I’ve been reading other blogs, and over the years I’ve read or seen stories, and I find it a shame that people like me have to deal with pre-conceived ideas of other people.
We are living in a time where obesity is on the increase, more of us are getting fatter, and I use that word without offence, it is simply a straight and descriptive word.
There’s lots of reasons if I use myself as an example, as a child I was told I had to eat the things I wasn’t keen on before I could have the things I did like on my plate. If there was a dessert (usually reserved for Sundays) I knew I couldn’t have it until I had eaten all my dinner.
When I left school I went on to a sit down 10hr a day job, which included bus travel to and from work, no more walking 6 mile round trips to and from school, no more netball, no more rounders, no more running between lessons, no more swimming at lunch times in the school pool.
Becoming an adult who moved out of home, meant scraping money together for the weekly food, and as I had grown up on egg and chips, sausage and mash along with a whole manner of processed foods, this is what I strived for in my own shopping. Vegetables were a thing to be eaten with the Sunday roast.
I remember thinking when I was a size 14 that I should think about losing weight, but that is as far as it went.
At age 22 I fell pregnant with my gorgeous daughter, after the pregnancy I was a size 18, but I was too busy dealing with the physical and mental demands I was now under, and at times not coping at all.
Also, something I regret now in hindsight, I tried to breastfeed successfully and happily at first, but after a couple of months my daughter was always crying, the health workers would say, whenever she cries just keep feeding her, the more she feeds, the more i’ll make. I was deterred from formula milk. But one evening, I took my daughter to my Mum for the night, and had no milk from expressing. My mum, bless her, just nodded and sent my worn out self back home. That night my baby had formula milk and slept for six hours solid! And again, I had not been able to express – I had been starving my baby. I feel sick even thinking about it now.
So, guess what I did after that, once she was weaned – I overfed her, every single meal. I didn’t realise I was doing it at the time. She would get chubby then have a growth spurt, so that’s all I put it the chubbiness down to. Of course, anything she left went into my mouth.
As a single mum I had very little financial support, and with the headaches and stresses of juggling work, running a home, childcare and motherhood, the weight was just a thing I lived with. To be fair I stayed at a size 18 until finances became a little easier, then I met my partner (11 years ago), who liked to treat me to, well, everything :).
He worked 70 miles from home, so I would cook for him, and of course, by this time, big portions were a way to show my feelings “a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. He was, and is, such a love, I wanted to be as great as I could, and what better way than to nourish. And of course, he liked to treat me to meals out! What was once a true rarity, suddenly became the norm.
With both our work commitments, we found we didn’t always have the time or inclination to cook, so takeaways became a norm, sometimes three or four times a week.
During our relationship I went from a size 18 (and my girlfriends never believed this, they thought I was a size 16 – i had to show them labels) to a size 24.
And I’m not sure the way I look would bother me too much now, certainly I would never have a lover who didn’t answer with joy YES if asked if my bum looked big. In fact my love has stated if I want to lose weight he supposes I can lose a bit of my stomach, he doesn’t think I should change my thighs, bum and boobs 😀 Luckily, he supports me, as he does in all things, with my weight loss, although he is resistant to being on a healthy eating regime himself, but then as he wants to be fitter and healthier, he has no choice!
The problem I have with my weight is this:
I can’t walk up stairs without clinging on to the bannister for dear life and wheezing by the time I reach the top.
I can’t find nice clothes to wear. I do like to shop in Yours, but even they’re clothes look a lot nicer on their models than they do me.
Talking about clothes – i LOVE lingerie, always have done, always will do, sometimes for sexy times, but mostly because I just love the feminine way I feel (or used to). Bra’s? Hammocks!, stockings? No, even wearing plus size doesn’t make me feel good as those are not the legs I remember.
Travelling – the plane seat belt fits…. just – it has to be fully extended and I have to pull the tummy up a bit to clip in. Also there’s not a lot of wriggle room in plane seats (or cinema seats).
I can’t walk around anywhere without getting tired quickly. And my joints ache to buggery!
Plus, I know that all that fat is clinging on to my insides, to my organs, trying to choke them. I’m currently nearly 50% pure lard!
I don’t regret the diet attempts of the past, had I not lost weight during those times, heaven only knows how fat I would be right now.
Here’s the thing though, throughout all of this, I count myself lucky that I have never had to deal with fat shaming, it’s possible that i’m just too dense to realise an insult :D. Joking aside, I think people who feel the need to demean others are really rather pathetic and sorry excuses of human beings, and here’s the thing, I am much, much better than that type of person.
So, if anyone ever reads this, I want you to know that you are a human being, a person in your own right, with your own thoughts, with your own mantras, no-one, ever, has the right to make you feel like shit! Please remember, if you have any issues with yourself, they are your issues, not that idiot person. They are yours to do with as you please! you may be too fat according to the expected norms, you may be totally content with who you are, you may wish to be different, whatever your bent, whatever you want, you do absolutely have the power, to take each step, each meal, each day as it comes. You are a unique person who has experienced lots life has to offer, good, bad and ugly, and only you have the right to say “I need…” and only you have the complete power to take that step and say “I will…” And it does not matter if you’ve “failed” before, think instead where you would be without that attempt, and I bet you learned some good things from that experience, which you can take forward with you. And I have yoyo’d I know what it’s like, this time round might also be the same, who knows :), but that’s my choice.
As for the naysayers – well – leave them in their little puddles of poison, one day they’ll wonder why they have less and less friends or why the friends they do have are arses!
So, GO YOU! Life’s out there, it’s all yours. All you have to do is reach. If you want to get fitter – you can do it. If you want to get slimmer – you can do it. If you want to stay exactly where you are – you can do it. This life is all yours to own and control 🙂
Trying to lose! 